omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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