Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
