how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
