OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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