Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
