My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
