I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
