her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
