he thought i was a dude.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
