If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i think i have two assholes
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i think my cat just said my name.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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