I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
