I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
