and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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