Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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