You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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