I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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