I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
