I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I want to be your penis for a week.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
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