fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
