i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
