my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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