I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
