i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
