hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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