Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
