I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
