I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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