I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
