Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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