The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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