he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
