I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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