The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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