He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
