It's like a parade of train wrecks.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
