That's intense
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
