hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
