My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
