stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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