the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
