Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
