Jerry, you need to find god
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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