cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
he's single and there are thong briefs.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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