I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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