I wish my penis had an off switch
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
