The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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