if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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