Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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