WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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