my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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