if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
