Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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