That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
