my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
