OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
