JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
