Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
