One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
