I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
